My goal is to be as practical as possible but still keep things in general terms, because it does not matter how much we talk about pursuing someone, it is always a case by case scenario. Each woman is different therefore her needs and desires must be met differently. And just to be clear this is a post on a single man pursuing a single woman.
Starting with....
One of the greatest misconceptions of pursuing a woman is found in our approach to the whole process. Although it may not be labeled as this, generally the way men pursue women leans towards a push more so than an actual pursuit. When we see a woman who we are attracted to, we already have decided in our minds that we want to talk to her. That in and of itself is not bad, it's the intentions behind it that make it okay or not. For example do you seek to be with her for personal pleasure, her physical attributes and because she is prettier than your ex? Or are you attracted to her character and personality as well as a sincere physical attraction?
Depending on the circumstance, my general rule is to give it some time....a few days or weeks go by before I begin to pursue, because it will give me time to see if it was mere infatuation at first sight or if it could genuinely lead to something more. Also, giving it time allows me to see her in a public setting without there ever being any awkwardness or understanding that I am interested. I preach "less is better" in most cases, and this is one of those, don't jump the gun, be patient, the ship won't sail....and if it does you were not suppose to be on it.
Back to the pushy side...
Men tend to push their way into the lives of women, push their interest, push their personality (even if it means masking it).....men push women to go on dates and when pushed away men tend to push even harder....which, in most cases creates a chaotic cycle. I hear of these stories over and over where she finally went on a date with him because he would not stop....Men, there is a fine line between being persistent and being pushy, we must be sensitive to that. Unfortunately I cannot break this down for you, again it is a case by case scenario...but I can share some general things to consider. Look at the circumstance, the chemistry between you and her, keep in mind her friends and family, and even former relationships.
If she is hurting from a previous relationship and she says she needs time more than once, then listen to her words. Give her time, give her space. She is not saying "no," but she is saying "not now." That does not mean you buy her flowers the next week and say "Praying for your time of healing." Really, give her space. Not that you disappear, remaining friends is okay, but thats it. Treat her as a sister and stick to your word. Unfortunately one of the ways men push is through their persuasive words, then fall short on following through. Although, pursuing is an action word, you have to realize that being patient and understanding in many cases plays greater value then for you to convince her with your words.
Listening is going to be key. If she sincerely says "No I do not like you," "I see you as a brother" or "I thought we were just friends" .......then suck it up and move on.
Now she may say "Not now" or "I am really busy with work/church....etc" well this could be a good thing, but again its a case by case scenario. There are still things a man can do to pursue in this situation.....but I will say this over and over.......be patient don't jump the gun.
The Misconceptions....
So then what do we do? Well if I may encourage a change in how we approach pursuing, a paradigm shift in our thinking. First, Women are not animals to be hunted, therefore the removal of chasing down your interest must take place. Yes, men like to hunt but from what I have learned women don't like to hunt or be hunted generally. It is such a poor example of what pursuing is. Hunting is a predator vs prey....essentially a killer towards a victim. In hunting one has to be sneaky and deceitful, that is not pursuing....that is how a indigenous tribe with no technology would catch dinner.
Secondly, it's not a game. The moment we enter the game mentality, we slay the dragon and save the princess from the castle then credits come up and the game is over. Which is what happens to many men in their relationships, they stop saving and pursuing their princess. When we play the game, it is only a game. She gets all confused and frustrated and you will most likely do the same.
Thirdly, pursuing is not putting on a character. You are not auditioning for the lead role in a featured film so don't see this as your breakthrough moment. I learned this the hard way, when you compromise who you are for her then at some point you have to un-compromise who you are for yourself. At this point she will see who you really are and then its like starting at square one and getting to know someone new again. This usually does not end well. I tell people all the time, you want to be with someone who is going to make you more you and vice versa.
Fourthly, pursuing is not a trophy to be won. You can't achieve your prize and hang her up in the case and expect her to point all the glory to you, you will find yourself with an empty showcase. This is a tough one to catch at times because we convince ourselves that our lives will be better when we get with her.....the truth is we just want her for the status and the praise.
And lastly we need to understand that pursuing someone does not mean we are constantly in combat mode, that we need to move forward and swiftly, she's not the enemy, rather be gentle in your strength. Do not feel like you need to attack at all times.
Proper Concept
We should understand that pursuing someone requires patience and understanding. Pursuing is more of an opportunity to listen then to talk. Listen to her interests, listen to her passions and most importantly, listen to the details of her heart. For it is in the small things that we see the bigger person. Pursuing is being patient, knowing your timing may not always be the best timing. It is responding not reacting, it's putting her first.
Action Steps
So how do we tie all of this together? It's simple......by keeping it simple. What I mean is don't over do it. Everything I have said thus far is for personal use, from here on out keep it simple. When men become interested they tend to go over the top for a woman that potentially does not care. Do not smother her with love and flowers as if she is already your wife. Please go over the top for your wife any day at any time (when you get there)....As far as this girl you just met, keep it simple.
Don't buy her flowers on the first date, go to a simple place with comfortable food. When two hours have gone by and the conversation is slowing down, call it a night, don't make it awkward. If the conversation does not go deep on the first day that is okay. If it does go deep that is okay too, just don't think you guys are automatically made for each other. Keep it simple........I hope I am making sense.
When we bank our entire relationship on a bouquet of flowers.....well that usually dies. Later in the relationship flowers are great, I am not saying they are bad in general, just at first. Listen to her details, her interests, what makes her smile and mad, what she enjoys.....and simply surprise her with those little things. For example, if she likes to make things and loves red, then some red play dough would be fun. You do not have to hit the nail on the head every time, you just have to say this reminded me of you!
Conclusion
There are so many things I want to say and so many things I can say, but I think it is best if we stop here. I'll leave it at this, pursuing is not a pushing of your world onto hers, it's an invitation to do life together that is loving, patient, understanding and genuine.
Questions, Concerns, Comments
If anyone has any questions or concerns feel free to comment below or email me at jerry.rdrgz@gmail.com Maybe you are in a situation right now that is hard to tell or need to find the next step, let me know I would love to help.
